He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Randomize
