woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
