I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
