don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
