I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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