Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
