I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
