Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
