Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Women Are Tweeting Photos Of Their Underwear To Support Rape Victim Whose Thong Was Cited During Trial
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
21 ‘Don’t Say It’ Tweets That Are Gonna Get Said Every Damn Time
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?