I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
