i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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