he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
