Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
why does every cop we meet know your name?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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