enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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