By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
