My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
