my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
