I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
