The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
