she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
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His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
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Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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