Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
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Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
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there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
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