I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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