tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
There's always time for handjobs
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Randomize
