i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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