I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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