tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
