I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
