I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Randomize
