i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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