You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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