I feel like I'm in dance class right now
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
