just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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