Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
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Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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