Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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