my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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