If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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