Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
