someone threw a dead crab at me
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
