I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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