at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
