I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Randomize
