At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i would punch a child for taco bell
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
