someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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