So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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