yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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