They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
