Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
