Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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