Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
