I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
