You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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