someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
