I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
