im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
