So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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