Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Drunk walkin through police station. America
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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